Monday, February 1, 2016

Gethu. No, don't ask me why I chose to watch it in the first place.

Maybe Udhayanidhi Stalin woke up one fine day and discussed something like this with the rest of the team:
Hey, let's make a movie with Amy Jackson. Oh, and wait, I want Hollywood elements: Snipers, espionage, martial art fight sequences. Throw in the beautiful Nilgiris and some Appa sentiment.
But Tamil Cinema ke pass only Amma hai!
Tamil la ippo en family ku pudikkaadha orae vaarthai, Amma!
Right, let's shoot song sequences with Amy Jackson first.
Kadhai enna, Sir? Adha appram paarthukkalaam..
Amy is white.
It's OK, make her wear pottu and salwar kameez. Bingo, she becomes Iyengar. A kleptomaniac Iyengar, mindddd it.
Amy. Songs. Done. What next? Forget her.
Wait, we need Hollywood elements. Isn't that what I said, initially?
OK, get fancy guns and a guy who looks lithe enough to handle them. He's our antagonist.
Adhellaam sari, kadhai enna?
Adhu thaanaa build aagum.
What do we do with the blue eyed, left handed (Yes, the suspect has to be left handed to be distinguished from the rest) antagonist character we have built?
Give him guns.
What does he do with the guns?
Oh, let's make him kill random people.

Wait, where's the hero amongst all this?
Oh, adhu naan daan illa? I am romancing with Amy.
Please, KADHAI...
OK, Amy! Off you go.
Music. Music.. How can I forget that? Get Harris Jeyaraj to copy, paste some stuff. Paste the songs somewhere in between.
Hey, I have to incorporate some really nice cinema techniques I have seen in western movies that IMDB suggested: Use a mirror to show a murder shot. Focus on the hole a sniper carves out of a glass window. Intimidate, just intimidate and do nothing more to the sishter character. (I half expected her to lash out at the pockmark faced villain all by herself: After all, she is a PE teacher's daughter and looked all hot under the collar).
Done.
Kadhai, please!! the audience are getting disoriented.
Oh, we let go of Amy too soon. We must have made a romantic comedy drama like we generally do.
Sari, wrap up. You save the important-to-the-country guy. But wait, how's your dad's misfortune related to this mess? Hmmmm, adhaavadhu.. adhu epdinaa.. adhu vandhu.. actually, basically, technically, virtually, chemically, cinematically.. sathyamaa enakku therila, ehdaavadhu kadhai neengale sollikkonga saaar! Amy shorts pottuttu kulir la dance aadaraanga, naa poi paakkaraen...

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