Kalpanaswaram

Meet the Ramanathans.

Middle class Tambrahms living in a flat in KK Nagar. Ramanathan is the quintessential Tambrahm patriarch. His day starts with a tumbler and davara of filter kaapi carefully prepared by his wife. He seats himself on the balcony with the day’s Hindu, clad in a white 'baniyan'(now yellow, thanks to Madras’ pathetic water quality) and veshti. When he’s done with the paper, he proceeds for a walk with his wife and returns home with keerai and vegetables. At 8 30 AM, he leaves to the State Bank of India where he has worked for 38 years. After having served the bank in remote locations, where it proved difficult to find his kids ‘good CBSE’ schools, he is thankful he is now posted in Madras. Madras is not his native place. Of course, to call Madras your native place, you will have to be a fisherman, he says! He is from a remote village in the erstwhile Thanjavur district. But Madras offers him carnatic concerts, brothers and sisters nearby.

Srimathi Ramanathan. She is Ramanathan’s wife of 34 years. She married a ‘4-figure’ earning banker and she was sent to Calcutta right after completing her B Sc Mathematics, summa cum laude. She mistook nausea from Calcutta’s mustard oil stench for morning sickness for a fortnight. Every three years when Ramanathan was transferred from one place to another, she followed him for around 15 years, finding work in her kids’ schools as a Maths teacher. After that, she stayed back in Madras, for the kids’ education. Today, her day starts with arthritic pain, filter kaapi and a morning walk. Ask her about the perfect filter kaapi someday. She can give you the minor-est of minor details. ‘Fresh Aavin milk- boil it only once; never more than once. 2 spoons of kaapi podi (Peaberry  + Plantation A in equal proportion, with 10 percent chicory, ground and stored in an airtight steel canister),   boil water and pour it over the coffee powder over the filter. Water should be poured in a circular motion so that there is no single ridge-like depression in the coffee powder.  Put a lid on top and leave it for a while. Take a steel tumbler, add 2 teaspoons of sugar and add decoction to this sugar. Mix it until the sugar dissolves well (don’t mix it all at once along with the milk). Now add boiled milk before a layer of ‘aedu’ (cream) forms on top. And relish the kaapi before it loses heat. P.S: Dilution of milk with water is every filter kaapi’s kryptonite.’ Her day ends with a Skype call to Radhika.

Radhika Srinivas nee Ramanathan, is the Ramanathans’ seemandha puthri.  She lives in NYC with her Investment banker husband Srinivas. Radhika and Srinivas fell in love in class 9 in a PSBB classroom. Radhika is now 33 years old, is an engineer from Sri Venkateswara Engineering College. Nivas was one of those rare IIT-IIM grads who had managed to floor a girl. Not a ‘non-male’ from IIT-M but a girl from one of the city’s self finance engineering colleges. Like all standard nerds, he adores his wife beyond measure.  He has to. Nerds don’t get lucky twice in their lives– probability of that happening is almost zero. Like all Tambrahm daughters, Radhika  ‘Skypes’ with her mother everyday to bitch about her in laws!

Now, let’s finally look into our protagonist’s life. 28 year old Ananth Ramanathan. Another standard nerd.  As a child, whenever Ananth came back home with 99 percent in Maths, his mother made sure she put the fear of non performance in him. ‘Ipdi padikkaama thirunjaa, government office peon velai daan kedaikkum da’ – sometimes he can still hear that in his sleep. When he got anything less than 95 percent, he contemplated running away to a faraway land and becoming a waiter or a peon. Srimathi wanted to do CA but could never realize that dream. So Ananth found himself in the commerce section in PSBB KKN in class 11. The school, teachers and students ‘dhukkam-vijaaricchufied’ him until the quarterly examination was over- because it was norm back then that nerds like Ananth did Science and not Commerce. So that’s how Ananth became a CA, at the age of 20. At 20, partly influenced by Nivas, he wrote CAT and obviously got calls from every IIM. He chose IIM-C because of one reason. It was farthest from home. With enough veebhuthi to last the whole of Kali Yuga, Srimathi sent him to Calcutta. Mamma’s boy Ananth found everything around him interesting and unfamiliar at the same time. He went on to work for investment banks in Bombay- he dozed off in HRC and woke up at work. Like most nerds (don’t count Nivas here), he was stupid with women and his relationships (if you could call them that) NEVER worked.

After Radhika’s childbirth when Srimathi was busy being deputed to NYC, as an IAS ( the Indian Aayah Service) officer,  the Ramanathans started their daughter-in-law hunt. Of course, net savvy Radhika did the Tamil Matrimony profile and Sai Sankara profile. She was prudent enough to mention his academic credentials, his interest in music (reality-he learnt to play the violin for SIX MONTHS) and his I-banking job.

Once the profiles have been registered, Srimathi gets a call on Day 1:

Caller: ‘Hello, I am Padma Venkatesan; I happened to notice your son’s profile in SS Matri. I live in Abhiramapuram. Where do you stay? I don’t quite recognise the telephone exchange that gives out numbers starting with 2474.’

Srimathi: ‘We live a stone’s throw from PSBB KK Nagar’.

Caller: ‘Wrong pincode, sorry! My daughter wants someone from this side of Mount Road’.

Day 2:

Caller: ‘What is your son’s CGPA in his IIM-C course? Was he a rank holder in CA exams?’

Srimathi duly calls Radhika and then calls Ananth. Ananth is flummoxed!

Day 5:

Caller:  Why is your son in India?  

Day 10:

Caller: ‘Is that a 2 BHK flat you live in? Why hasn’t your son earned enough to buy a new 3 BHK flat in a more posh locality?’

Day 20:

Srimathi asks Radhika to remove the clause that says ‘Interested only in Vadama from Tanjavur’.  She adds ‘interested in all subsects’.

Day 40:

Caller:" Does Ananth hit the gym? My daughter has made it very clear that she wants a fitness enthusiast. You see, she runs 3 marathons a year. She is looking for a companion for all such activities.”

Ananth weighs 90 kg and glances at the gym windows while taxi-ing to work, solely because of the hot girls who work out there. That’s how ‘fitness-conscious’ he is.

Day 70:

Srimathi asks Radhika to remove another clause which reads ‘Looking for a slim, fair, beautiful bride’ after being asked by several moms whether he is ‘tall, fair and handsome’.

Day 110:

Finally horoscopes match, some girl is actually interested in talking to Ananth. On an auspicious day, she asks Ananth to call the girl. She silently prays to every deity she knows- ‘dear lord, I cannot go through this torture every day, please make sure Ananth likes her and vice versa’.

Ananth calls and the girl says ‘Oh, am really sorry- you see, I have no clue that amma has given you my number. I have a Muslim boyfriend amma does not approve of. She doesn’t approve of it and keeps searching for Iyer grooms. And i get these random calls every now and then. I am really, really sorry. I apologise for my mum’s fault.

Day 145:

Caller:  Is he really 5 ft 10 inches tall? My daughter is 5 ft 6 inches tall. She wants to be able to wear at least a 4-inch heel.

Srimathi: I can ask him to wear heels if need be!!

Day 180:

Horoscope match.

Caller: "Does he do Sandyavandanam? We are a very orthodox family and we are looking for a groom who knows rudhram, chamakam. He should be a pure vegetarian and not even think of onion/garlic."

Ananth likes his steak cooked medium rare. And in cod, he trusts. He reads Richard Dawkins and is an atheist.

Day 250:

Srimathi asks Radhika to remove another clause that says ‘interested in Iyers only’ and Radhika changes it to ‘Looking for Tamil Iyers or Iyengars’

Day 300:

Horoscope match. Telephone call. Srimaathi promises Thirupathi Venky a visit if this proposal materialises.

Ananth:  So what are you interested in?

Girl:  My world revolves around Don, my dear dear dear doggy.. he’s right here, oh listen to him bark. Cute, isn’’t it? Please tell me you’d love Don as much as I do.

Ananth: Well , I wouldn’t mind.

Girl:  ‘You wouldn’t mind??’ That’s not enough!!!"

So, Venky did miss Srimathi!

Day 400:

The Sundars have come in person to look at the Ramanathans, and to ‘take things forward.’

Mrs. Sundar : ‘ You still serve coffee in steel tumblers???? No china?'

A frustrated Ramanathan and a helpless Srimathi look at each other and cross off one more name from the list. It's Kaapi and not coffee, first and foremost. And what sacrilege? Kaapi in china?!!!

The Sundars have already crossed off Ananth’s name from their list.

Day 500:

Radhika, Nivas, Ramanathan and Srimathi get hold of Ananth and take turns at dishing out their combined wrath.

‘Why, why, why  are you not smart enough to find your own wife?’

‘Thuppae kedayaadhu daa onakku’

‘Ananth, you missed several buses in PSBB. After that you find no girl who will be willing to look at us in Nerdvana’ – that was veteran Nivas, in case you did not know.

'Ananthoo'.

Day 550:

Ananth’s profile reads ‘looking for a girl’. Nothing else. No other condition/criterion.

Day 600:

Thirupathi Venky gets 10k advance, Vaidyanatha swami near Myladuthurai gets 10k. Thiruvidandhai- 10k. Several visits to several temples follow.  

Ananth has lost all hope. His school friends have married fellow software engineers and work together in IT organisations dotting the OMR. They go onsite and earn more than he does, thanks to exchange rates. Radhika is worried he is losing hair. Ramanathan has lost all his hair over this. Srimathi is thankful Radhika found her own groom.  She calls Nivas and asks him to coach Ananth.

Day 630:

Ananth calls another girl.

Wish him good luck! Venky, Vaidhi and the rest are really looking forward to their dues.

Day 650:

Kalpana has decided to say yes to Ananth- she’s fond of Russian roulette, you see!

Ananth cannot imagine this being true. And that’s why he has pinched himself red all over.

Dubito, ergo pinch-ito, ergo veritas!